One of our social norms is that most people have strong inner pull towards becoming a parent or remaining childfree. But not everyone does. What is it like when you are waiting for an inner aha moment that never comes? The uncertainty can feel lonely, shameful, or confusing, especially if you are a person who has know so very clearly what you want out of life in other ways.
This decision feels like the biggest one you’ll ever make. And, truly, it is momentous, but also not necessarily predictive of a happy life. Ambivalence about which path to take deserves more than a pro/con list and therapy can be a place to explore all the options and possibilities.
Sometimes it’s not so simple, though. Intentionally or not, therapists are notorious for butting in and inserting their own ‘stuff’ into the exploration, which is unhelpful at best. Providers wield a lot of power as they facilitate a discussion about parenting paths. (To find out more about picking someone who can hold space for this, you can download my handout.) So, my first bit of advice is to vet the person you will be working with! Ask us all the questions you’d like!
The work I do in this area with clients can look like this:
Clarifying values and identity – Exploring what parenthood (or non-parenthood) means to you, apart from family, culture, or partner expectations. Imagining living your values along both paths.
Untangling social pressure – Who is calling the shots? Recognizing messages from friends, family, or society that may overpower your own needs.
Making space for ambivalence – Even though it’s really unsettling, it can help to explore and normalize mixed feelings instead of forcing certainty.
Understanding relationship dynamics – If you are in a partnership, examining how your decision intersects with your their hopes, communication patterns, or conflicts.
Exploring grief and fear – Processing losses, regrets, or “what ifs” tied to fertility, timing, or life paths.
Reflecting on your own upbringing – Exploring how your childhood experiences, role models, and family stories shape what “being a parent” or “not being one” means to you today.
Assessing readiness and capacity – Looking openly at emotional, physical, and financial realities.
Developing self-trust – Strengthening confidence in your ability to live meaningfully with whatever choice you make.
Planning for future wellbeing – Mapping supports and coping strategies for either outcome.
(Katie Maynard, LICSW — psychotherapist and supervisor specializing in childless/free wellbeing)