Ambivalent, undecided, and circumstantially childless people, I see you!

Non-parents are a frequently misunderstood group in general. Who really understands the ambivalent, undecided folks or those who are facing circumstances that prevent parenthood?

You may be hearing:

• Just relax, you’ll figure it out!

• Why are you so relaxed about this? Time is running out!

• Focus on your career to build a foundation for your life.

• If you focus too much on your career you’ll miss out on finding the right person ‘in time' to have kids.

• I just always knew I wanted to be a parent!

• I’ve always known I didn’t want to be a parent!

You may be feeling:

Confused, alone, worried, unseen, isolated, undervalued, misunderstood, counter-cultural, lost, ashamed, rebellious, powerful, independent, content, connected, unique… all at the same time.

This can be a place that feels very conflicted with lots of judgement from society. I’d like to let you know that you are on your own path and there is not one simple answer for what comes next. It can help to find some community with others who get you or who have been in your shoes.

(A reflective note to therapists reading this: How were you trained to sit with ambivalence and disenfranchisement with your clients? Do you have an urge to help them decide quickly compared to other issues clients bring to session?)

About the author: Katie Maynard is a psychotherapist working with people on the brink of large decisions and transformative experiences, with a special focus on those reckoning with having kids or remaining childfree. Her trauma-informed training and warm presence create an atmosphere of acceptance while she examines and co-creates new life narratives with clients.

The sentence my childless ears needed to hear from a medical provider... and didn't

“Katie, you might have kids but if you don’t life will still be awesome.”

No one along my ‘journey’ of potential parenthood thought to give me this particular insight or support. A few were very supportive of whatever mood I brought into my appointment but still didn’t quite get into the territory of helping me see that life without children would still be vibrantly awesome.

Instead I heard:

“Just relax, I bet it will happen in Maui.”

“You’re so healthy, I’m sure you’ll get pregnant!”

“You have plenty of time” (I was 42. That was.. perhaps inaccurate?)

“Don’t give up yet.”

“I can just feel it, next year at your checkup you’ll be a mom.”

“Stay hopeful and positive.”

“It’s probably just…. (insert weird stereotypes, medical myths, and pop psychology)”

I was such a compliant and provider-pleasing patient that I actually smiled and nodded during this crap. I’d cry in the car or be grumpy for days after without understanding why. I learned to tell myself what I needed to hear. My husband and I repeated it to each other frequently “We’re going to get through this and life will be amazing no matter which path!” or, on less perky days “This sucks, but we can still have a house full of dogs and craft projects one day if we don’t have kids, right?”

I started peeking over into the books, podcasts, and blogs of childless folks to make sure it was ok there. It was! It was the most authentic and validating space. I lurked around but didn’t participate until childlessness felt like my full identity. I learned a lot and could name what I was going through - disenfranchised grief, ambiguous loss- and that it would transform my life and sense of self in unexpected ways, but not always horrible. They gave the first confirmation of the reality that life is still shiny and happy without kids.

Should providers stop saying hopeful things? Perhaps not, that would be kind of a bummer too. At the very least, stop telling people to relax. The support we give our clients and patients needs to resonate with their mood and the circumstance and give permission for the person to take off the mask of positivity. Make sure to check in with the ones that smile through the appointment too.

The Terminology of Parenthood or Non-Parenthood Carries a lot of Weight

For some of us, what to call oneself as an adult without children can feel very complicated and disempowering. Parenthood is seen as the standard and any term to describe non-parenthood includes a ‘lack’ of something. Options I’ve seen: childfree, childless, childfree after infertility, childless not by choice CNBC, childless by choice, childless by circumstance, involuntarily childless, voluntarily childfree, nonparent, nonmom, nondad.

Thesaurus.com gives us this really appealing list of synonyms to choose from:

Words can feel so invalidating to the lived experience of childlessness

It can be an identity crisis we didn’t know was coming. What does it feel like to name yourself childfree in a world that sees you as a second class adult or judges your choice? What is it like to call yourself childless to demarcate the fact that you have lived through a huge transformation in your expectations about life but then be presented with overt or subtle critique that if you really wanted parenthood you would have found a way.

Each person, even within the same relationship, may prefer a different term. It can also change! Personally, some days I feel quite childless and then others I identify with childfree. I’m a non-mom who loves aunthood. I smile at every baby but have never yearned to go through pregnancy. I have a childless home life but delight in the part of my practice that is child-full. If I abbreviated my truth it would be - CACABICBAAFR: Childfree after circumstantial and biologic infertility compounded by ambivalence and financial reality. I assume every other person I meet without kids has a unique story. It’s important to follow the lead of the person and respect the terms that they use even if they don’t resonate with you.

Mental Health professionals and childless clients

A note for any mental health professionals reading this- If you work with childless people and have yet to think about your own unconscious biases about this group, a great place to start is thinking about how the terminology of non-parenthood may enter your sessions. We are taught to both follow the client’s lead and also to examine our countertransference in the room. What about this terminology strikes a chord within you and why? In my writing on my website I tend to use “childless” and “childfree” because they are so widely known but I respect and honor all terms!

Finding a therapist if you are childfree by choice, childless not by choice, or any of the many combinations that bring us here.

I firmly believe that therapy should be a place where we can feel safe from relentless bingos and misunderstanding. (Why didn’t you adopt? Don’t you worry you’d regret your choice? Ah, you get to sleep in.. You need to move on from this anger.) We guard ourselves in so many other relationships that it may feel like second nature to give our canned response to a therapist and then retreat from the topic that had been at hand.  Of course, bumps in communication and understanding will absolutely happen in every therapeutic relationship and can sometimes even lead to growth and more safety. 

Here are some tips to find a therapist who either has put in the work to serve you well or will put in the work as the two of you go along.  (A therapist that thinks they’re done learning is a big ‘Nope!’ in my book.)  I want to acknowledge that many areas may have only a few therapists to choose from, which is so hard.  If telehealth is an option for you and your health coverage or pocketbook, don’t forget to expand your search beyond your zip code! Please note that I’ve included a wide array of ideas.  Some of these items may stand out to you as important and others may feel like ‘meh, not for me.’   

If a therapist treats you poorly for asking any of these questions (or, really, anything else you are wondering) that is their own ‘stuff’ coming up.  A quick little reality check is to ask yourself:

“Would I expect a therapist to balk at questions about their training in postpartum depression? About life transitions such as becoming a Grandfather?  About working with clients who are facing discrimination at work due to their parenthood?”  Mm hmm..

Questions you can ask a therapist as a childless/childfree person:

·      Are you a parent?  (The BIG ONE, right? Therapists may practice from a theory where they do not share personal details, which is their prerogative.  It is also absolutely ok for you to want to know and to move on if their answer doesn’t feel good to you.

·      If you are not a parent I am wondering if you will understand my story of how I have also arrived here- it may be different from your story!

·      If you are a parent, have you received professional training or consultation about working with childless/childfree people to expand your understanding of the many dimensions that I may bring to the table as well as your own biases?

·      If you haven’t received this training, are you willing to do so as we meet?

·      I’ve felt misunderstood and even microaggressed in therapy in the past. Sometimes I close down to avoid feeling like this.  How can I bring this up if it happens? 

·      What do you think might be some misunderstandings you and I could have about my life as a non-parent? 

·      Being childfree/childless is not the central issue I’m wanting to work on, but it will certainly be relevant at some point.  How will you make sure that you and I are paying attention to this part of my identity?

·      Who is your favorite childfree or childless icon, writer, character, community member etc.?  (Side note: Check out Gateway Women’s Pinterest board to see several hundred of these role models!) 

·      If I’m not a good fit for your practice, do you know any other therapists that I might contact?

Look at their websites for biases about childlessness:

·      Do they have a bio section and how does it align with your own experience? Have they included the pronatalist norm of a married couple, kids, and pets? If they’ve included this they may feel it makes them relatable but don’t understand how ‘othering’ this could feel to people without those things.

·      How do their images and writing feel? Are they using phrases like ‘busy moms’ or ‘stressed dads’ or always seem to equate adulthood with parenthood? 

·      Are they overwhelmingly focused on kids and families? (This is kind of funny for me to write, since a third of my practice is with children.  It’s an interesting combo due to my lived experience.  If you do some questioning you could learn that they actually have deep experience various ages of people or perhaps they have focused on children in the past, but their heart really lies with adult work at this time.)

·      What is their intake paperwork or disclosure statement like? Does it feel affirming to you? For instance, asking “tell me about your loved ones” can feel very different from “describe your family.”

·      What items do they reference in their blog or resources section (books, podcasts, apps) and are they resources that you would actually use? Are they inclusive of people without children?