What happens when you fall in love but find out you are misaligned about having kids? It’s incredibly difficult to explore this big decision within a partnership. You may feel like the only one in your friendship group or family that has even had a whisper of indecision about having kids.
The “I think” part of this sentence is important. If someone says “I definitely want kids,” then it’s an entirely different problem to solve and they are immediately in a place of either giving up parenthood or that specific partner. I find that it’s also really common for my clients to report that their partner says “I’m okay either way!” At first glance, that statement can feel relaxed and open, but is the other person actually so chill about it or are they avoiding the decision-making? I’ve observed that the mom-o-sphere emphasizes that to be a (good?) parent you really have to want it. However, what I see clinically is that ambivalence about any big decision means that you actually think a lot about either outcome. It’s not necessarily avoidance at all. Personally, I knew I’d be ok either way, so I believe clients (and their partners) when they say it.
Even couples who agree about becoming a family of more than two can find themselves in a unexpected quandary. People can change their minds, both ways, about becoming parents.
Research has also shown that even the most ardent childfree couples check in from time to time to make sure they are on the right path. It’s not the sign of anything being wrong in the relationship. Some life events could trigger this revaluation like:
Milestone birthdays: It’s true that there is a biological clock for fertility and approaching the end of that era can feel like a relief, a no-going-back moment, or both
Pregnancies: Unplanned pregnancies or scares
Resolution of circumstantial factors that shaped a decision not to have kids: Financial stability, career change, expansion of support system, diagnosis and successful treatment for a medical condition, housing
Social and relational changes: New births in the social circle that prompt unexpected feelings, deaths in the family
Starting this conversation with your partner can be terrifying. You might feel like it’s going to ruin everything you’ve built. I hope it reassuring to hear that you don’t have to know for sure to start exploring the ‘what if’s’ and it can be a series of small discussions. I’m obviously biased, but therapy can be a safe place to sort out your feelings!